High Summer, I'd say. What an interesting time of year. This morning on our walk we passed a beautiful open sea of tall grass topped by the bluest sky around. We have red roses in the yard and orange day lilies and yellow yarrow and blue chicory and lavendar lavendar and little yellow potentilla and pink and white honeysuckle. I brought some pink hollyhock seed home from the Hollyhock House and hope they will sprout for next year.

Today driving to work, I saw a little fox turn out onto the sideway coming my way. Then he turned west and walked up the side of a 6 foot high fence.

Can Foxes do that? I guess so.
A gathering of eagles first, now a fox walking up the side of a fence.

Today, driving to work, I looked up and saw a huge eagle or hawk or falcon - one of those types of birds - flying overhead. Then there was another and another till the whole flock appeared. Unusual for birds who seem to be loners. They flew over to the CU campus and circled an area for several minutes before I lost sight of them.

I called Sugar to let him know and he thought it was an invitation from them for me to join them. I think I will.

June has been LA.

Train trip out.
Victor.
Serenity House.
Fire Breathing Ty.
Penny.
Leo and Jessica.
Kris.
Pro Metering Course.
Those blue kafir lilies.
Cambria with Pete. (25 years together)
Intention.
Words.
Decisions.
Being.
Cell phones.
Walking.
Flower Show at Barnsdall Park.
The common room stories. (Gary Rebecca Tony Jeff Felix Patty Peggy Kathleen)
Flat mates (Victoria and Steve and Alyssa)
Honey's arrival.
Hollyhock House.
Los Feliz.
Jon's.
Tara's magical cradle.
Present time.
Looking.
Uptone.
Full moon at Vermont and Hollywood.
The Metro and bus to Santa Monica Pier.
Sick Honey.
Hail storm on the way home.
The Fountainhead.
Future Plans.

The boundaries of my space changed so much that when I went back to work, everything looked smaller.

Cambria

For a good half hour this morning I didn't have a clue where the rest of my family was. That is to say, I had an idea but not exactly. Sweetie and Sugar are in Scotland on a father/son adventure. Honey spent the night at an after-prom party then went to someone's house and who knows what. I woke up completely alone for the first time in years, unable to get in touch with any of them.

It wasn't so bad.

I love 'em all, you know that - but personal space is delicious, too.

What Roxie enjoys most now is watching Hansel. Watching him chew, watching him eat, watching him run, watching him breathe. What I enjoy most is watching her watching him. We all get lost, Hansel in his freedom from the puppy mill, Roxie in her fascination for him, and me in my deep admiration for the two of them.

It's Spring now, finally, and the grass is high, thanks to a broken lawn mower. They like to go out at dawn but it's too early for barking. Dusk suffices as a substitute, full of green and scents and birds singing. Not many people are walking by that they need to bark at so it's a calm, peaceful end to the day.

Roxie started sleeping in our room in a crate next to the bed then established a routine of sleeping on the floor until 6am and spending the last hour or so with us in bed.

Yesterday, Hansel was invited to sleep in our room for the first time after several nights downstairs with Sugar. He and Roxie played on the bed until he growled at her when she approached me. No, no way, Hansel. We love you but here, in this bedroom, she is the Princess. She has earned her right to cuddle with me. You can be the focus of her attention and alpha elsewhere if you want, but The Rox rules in the bedroom.

We left them alone downstairs together for an hour today while we went out. We have to establish some kind of normalcy since Sweetie and Sugar are going to Norway this week (Hummingbird at the feeder outside with a foot of snow on the ground) and my life must go on anyway. We found out what kind of commotion 2 dogs left in the front hall can create when we left them before. (That hummingbird isn't hovering, just perching there sucking the sugar water down. I hope he's warm enough.)

I am sick of cold and snow. Enough already. My yard has never been muddier.

We're a 2 dog family now. I saw Hansel on Petfinder.com on the 19th and left on the 23rd to drive to MO to pick him up. Man, life is different now. This little guy is a Wheaton colored Scottie who is new to family life. Lots of dynamics have changed.

It's been 25 years since I've lived alone. Mmmm... maybe you could say a little longer since before that I lived in a group setting at a school in Oregon. And before that, I lived with Susan in LA, and before that Marty and Kate in Denver, that artist girl in Chicago, but wait - I did live alone in NYC. Yes, I did - no wait - I lived with Robin for a while at the end and Suzie for a while in the beginning- but I did live alone for a few months in between. Before that I lived with a houseful of people in Tallahassee and had Margy for a roommate in Italy and Ricklie in Tallahassee - yes! I did live alone for several months in Tallahassee, but it was right next door to Mo and Teresa and Maria. And before Tallahassee, dorm mates in North Carolina and in Massachusetts. And before that, was growing up at home with 5 others.

I was all set to write about how I haven't lived alone for 25 years and throw in something about Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own but I can't rightly do that now, can I, since I've hardly lived alone and haven't seemed to mind it.

I do always get a room of my own when I want one.

What does it say about me that I like containers? My day was made by the acquisition of a big ole 38# Sticky Bun Smear bucket. It was just sitting there waiting to be taken home and I grabbed it. Yes, there was plenty of Sticky Bun Smear left inside that needed to be washed out but the smell of it was so overpowering in the car that I wasn't tempted to clean it out with my tongue. It's all cleaned out, empty and drying next to the kitchen sink and I'm just waiting for the reason to have it in my house to make itself known.

A few nights ago I noticed an antidepressant TV ad that mentioned the possibility of suicidal thoughts in teens. Yahoo News noted that the fella who shot the kids in Minnesota was on Prozac just days after it happened. The line between cause and effect is getting shorter and more pronounced, thank God.

A few years ago a friend offered me a piece of comfrey root for my yard. She warned me that it is invasive and would take over what ever area I planted it in. I thanked her and planted it in among other plants in my front walk bed. Every year since then has been a battle against spreading comfrey. Not only does it take up space, it's a water hog. The roots are tuberous so denying water only triggers dormancy until more appears. I have been digging and digging and digging and will continue to dig.

Something similar happened with Honey. When he was homeschooling his earlier years, he was free to manufacture his own universe. We do have family rules and expections in terms of basic education, but for the most part he was able to determine his own life. Then he went to Government High School. A year and a half was long enough for him to be strangled by Other People's Expectations. After he came out of GHS, he was working on an essay for a class. Hours later I checked with him and he was stumped; "I'm still working on the outline." Screw the outline, I said. Just start writing your thoughts. I found out today that he is doing Algebra II even though he loathes the subject. He's doing it because everyone else he knew was doing it and he felt that he needed it to be successful in life. Groan. What happened to all my lessons to him about finding what you enjoy doing and building on that? Wiped out by 1.5 years of Government High School peer pressure and bureaucratic expectations. I've been snipping these off when I run into them but I have a feeling I will be digging and digging at these insidious middle class tentacles for some time to come.

We had a few weeks of true Spring with temps in the 60s and 70s - so much Spring that the apricots started blooming and pollen was in the air. What's on the ground now? 8 inches of snow. It's undeniably Spring, though - you can't belie things like the moon being much further north, the sunshine in the back yard which is in shadow in the winter, birds singing and chattering like crazy and big buds on the lilac bushes. In this place, Spring sets out and moves along, then is halted by a couple of big snow storms. Once the snow melts though, there is no holding Her back.

I had a nice long walk with Roxie today up to the lake via the open space trail and the dog park. Her little legs did a good job of leading me most of the way.
You wouldn't know that there was a fire there a few years ago except for a few burned trees. The whole ecosystem is back in place, probably better off that it was before. There must have been 20 meadowlarks singing in the grasses. The lake is full and has been all winter and that is cause for joy after going through those awful drought years.

Sugar and Sweetie are working on finishing the fence. After years of begging for one, I finally got it this year.

Sweetie didn't go. Lots of change occurred in this family but Sweetie didn't go.

Grief is part of living but I so rarely have to deal with it, that I'm thoroughly thrown off when it hits me. I don't mean little loss-ey aches or ephemeral sadnesses. I mean real, gut wrenching grief. I can say there are 2 times that Real Grief has staggered me. Once I lost a family member. The other time, a family member threatened to leave me abruptly.

Grief seems to be tied up with bodies, at least for me. It has to do with my body feeling like it will never experience that other body again. I'm not sure about this, still sorting it out.

CBFTW at My War is back and writing a book. An excerpt is in Esquire this month.

Oh, Sweetie is leaving town. I saw it coming for years but never heard the words out of his mouth all that time. Whenever the subject came up, the words said that he would not go. The right opportunity appeared this week and now he is off to La La Land to see if that is where he wants to be for years to come.

It wouldn't be so hard if he wasn't one of my 3 best friends in the whole world, but unfortunately, he is. I have to love him as a mom as well as a friend and now I'm losing a son and a best friend. Poo.

Maybe I should just fill the house with little Scotties.

If only I could figure out how to change the layout of this blog and keep the links and stuff I've added. I'm sure it's something I can figure out but, lacking the time and attention, it looks hard for now.

Roxie is munching on a chicken back, Sweetie is off studying to keep up his Dean's List status, Honey is swimming and having fun, Sugar is off to LA again for a training sprint, trying to complete a course before March 13.

Living is still therapy, but I've been so focused on a little puppy and greeting cards for the last 2 major seasons that I've forgotten to come here and make notes. Maybe now?

One son, Sweetie, plunges into subjects and learns them by total immersion. For instance, he wanted to learn piano so he taught himself the "Moonlight Sonata", only occasionally asking his dad or me for direction on the notes. Then his next was Grieg's "Piano Concerto in A Minor" which is loud and complicated and all over the key board. I look at a piece and if it has too many sharps and flats, I move on to something else. Not him. He sits and the piano and pounds it out, over and over and over and over until he owns it.
He did this with Tolkien, Star Wars, Hockey. He focuses his attention on an area, sucks the very essence out of the subject, then decides he's finished and moves on. I wonder if there is enough music in the world to keep this interest going for some time.
This is the son who is studying Greek for fun.

Part of my daily ritual now includes reading messages on the RawFeeding Yahoo list. It's an unexpected fascination - an hour can go by tracking down new raw feeding options like rabbit chunks (as opposed to whole rabbit or ground rabbit). I haven't ventured into feeding bunny to Roxie, but it's on my list.

I watched "Collateral" the other night and really enjoyed it. Also watched, "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" which was good, too. One thing the lead actors had in common was that I didn't see them in their characters. Jim Carrey did a great job of playing an introvert with no trace of his normal self. Tom Cruise was a good bad guy with none of that usual Tom Cruise that comes through his other parts.

In the world of dogs, though, I found out that Bully Sticks are dried bull penises. Keeps Roxie busy, I have to admit.

"Mankind, the Earth and the Plant and Animal Kingdoms are utterly dependent, each upon the other, for their own survival. None survive alone."

What a beautiful website.

Well, I found out what juvenile court feels like and frankly, I don't want to know more. I wonder what it would be like if the offense had been more than just a stupid misjudgement that will be dismissed? The boys who were already in jail went first. My heart went out to the mom who got to hug her son for a second before the judge began. Then a few others came and went. Then 2 parents stepped up to the podium to face the judge. "So your daughter is on the run?" He issued a bench warrent for her arrest. We followed soon after.

Our group was out of place. Honey, Sugar, our brand new lawyer and me plus Honey's girlfriend with parents and lawyer plus Honey's friend with mom and lawyer. The lawyers and police and families all wondering why it got this far when the kids are clearly innocent of any crime.

I don't need any more pre-Christmas dramas after this year, ok?

Where have I been and what have I been doing?

Roxie.

Raising a puppy takes a lot of attention and I even have a doting husband doing a lot of the work. She is so much fun. We all agree bringing her into our family was one of the best things we've done.

Raising Roxie and selling Christmas merchandise in stores. Today I had to listen to a grumpy Safeway manager in my lesser store that I could take or leave. The drill is: Safeway Corporate approves orders for the store, my company sends it, I put it out, local Safeway manager pisses and moans about too much product on the store. "Corporate doesn't run this store" he huffily says as he walks away. "Hey, this is between you and your boss, little man," I say. "Go complain to them, not me."
Well, I say it in my head. I had heard this manager was anti-social and he appears to be that way. His female counterpart just took the time to say it's always that way, the lack of communication is commonplace.

I'm starting to see the end of this job on the horizon. Dear Husband and #1 Son are going to be going off for training this Christmas for the second year in a row, leaving #2 Son and me behind to find some trouble to get into. Soon, I plan to be the one going off since it's about my turn.

Happy Solstice is coming up!

We are losing about 2-3 minutes of sunlight every day now. The Sun is officially setting at 4:39pm now and since we are next to the mountains, probably earlier. The good news is that I can see the sunrise now around 6am when Roxie wakes up. Several weeks ago we moved from the west side of the house to the east and now I have the dawn and Venus and full moons out my window. I can see the tops of the foothills out the other window.

My days are organized around a puppy's puddles and piles these days. Luckily, Sugar is off a lot now that the season is winding down and we can coordinate work hours so we can get her outside every couple of hours. One benefit of having her in our home (beside the intoxicating puppy breath) is that I get to spend more time outside and enjoy the leaves on the ground and the snow that's come and gone and the birds at dusk and the quiet and lovely dawn. I would have these during the summer but usually in the winter, I'm driven inside by a lack of affinity for the cold.

Life is good.

The Raw Feeding universe opened up to me when I was learning about Scottie care. Raw Meaty Bones, green tripe, and raw co-ops are all part of my vocabulary now. Someone posted a message to a list I'm on about feeding dogs chicken wings. Ok for small dogs and pups, but not enough meat for larger dogs - that was the consensus. Here's a quote:

"Dog and cats need to work to eat their food. Rip and tear. They should do their own rendering....

Feed up, not down, bigger not smaller, whole carcass and/or the largest pieces possible.
Feed the whole chicken, not just the chicken wing."

Don't the last two lines seem like a good philosophy for life? "Feed up, not down, bigger not smaller."

"Feed the whole chicken, not just the chicken wing" is almost Zen-like, isn't it?

Well, Roxy is here to stay with us. Picked her up yesterday and she is starting to own the place and us already. Lots to learn for her and us.

Something to do now that the election is over

One son left home a few months ago. Well, he moved a few miles away and he comes by alot. Before he left, I went back and forth between anticipating a void and just wondering when it would happen. We are close friends. I knew that it would be hard to be without him around so much but I was eager for him to get on with his life.

As it turns out, he left and 2 days later, I was rearranging the house. Any feeling of loss I might have had turned into "Sweetie, can you get the rest of your stuff out of your room?" We swapped rooms with Honey and made Sweetie's room into an office. Sweetie dekluged his whole area and has taken to putting his things away. The stairs have never been cleaner now that he doesn't feel the need to mark his space. I found myself straightening an area today that I had avoided for years.

Funny, having one less person smack dab in your universe opens up lots of personal space. I wonder what it will be like when Honey leaves home.