We didn't go to LA as planned due to some unfinished child-raising work but we did get to Glenwood Springs for a good thorough soak. In the 50s down here - we encountered snowy roads coming out of Eisenhower Tunnel and snow flurries around Copper Mountain. Vail Pass was icy and snowpacked and Glenwood was cloudy and cold. No matter - the water was 90º and 104º.

What I love about this pool in cool weather is the air just above the water. Early today, Sugar couldn't find me for the thick gray fog hovering just above the surface. At times, when the air is right, little swirls of wind - little tornados - dance down the pool.

Lots of people there from other countries. We have a good international mix here, but we kept running into other languages and accents all over the place there.

Great little one tank trip.

Christmas Eve. I did all I could to get all the product out and now it's just a holiday.

60º outside.

Smokey is visiting us for a few days. Doing errands with 3 dogs was fun. Roxie enjoyed sitting under Smokey while he stood and looked out the window.

Honey and Sugar are working on the new wood trim for the front hall. Sweetie is hanging around enjoying the dogs and getting things together for snowboarding tomorrow.

Life is good today.

Swimming in the middle of winter is my new thing to do. I had talked myself into thinking that indoor pools were too cold, especially after the temperature drops below 60º outside. Somehow the rec center down the street worked it out so it's all fine. Once a week so far for the last month.

Christmas is more 'Xmas' this year than very holiday-y. Sugar and I are leaving for LA on the 27th to do more training. I'm already looking past the Christmas product, over the Valentine's Day stuff waiting in the back room, around the 25th which we'll spend at Eldora while the boys snowboard, and right though the 26th when I'll be scanning through all the leftovers for credits right to the Tuesday and getting on the train to LA.

Train rides still occur everyday, despite the notion that everyone flies. The last train trip was packed all the way there and all the way back. This one starts with a bus ride to Raton where the train waits for us to arrive (or we wait for the train). The big stop is in Albuquerque where were all get out while they clean the train - local sell us burritos and drinks and cheap jewelry and we call home. After dinner, the club car plays movies for those of us who can't entertain ourselves then lights go out around 9 or 10. This trip Sugar and I will be able to cuddle - something I wasn't able to do with the woman I was sitting next to last time. We wake up in eastern CA and arrive into LA around 8am. I miss the Desert Wind that went right from Denver through to LA.

Solstice Eve!

The day after the Solstice can't get here soon enough. Dim light and short days have a sweet appeal but nothing like high summer.

We went to volunteer with the Emergency Family Assistance Holiday giveaway. I thought we would be handing out food but we got there and found the Share-a-Gift program in progress. In the past, I took my (then) young boys to the Share-a-Gift warehouses to sort toys beforehand but never went to the giveaway day when people came in to get toys. I was surprised to find myself not really wanting to assist 'shoppers' at first so I just dove in with a lady who didn't speak English. The first couple of shoppers were fine but as the big piles of toys and stuffed animals diminished, the last few rounds were sort of depressing. The good news is that they all left with new toys for the kids at the end of the tour. Note: at toy giveaways, show up first because they run through the batch for that shift - then once everyone is gone, they replenish for the next shift. So the last shoppers of the first day had less to choose from than the first shoppers of the second day.

::Sigh::

All this wealth and still, people are struggling to provide the simple things for their kids. I took leftovers from last Valentine's Day sales to San Juan del Centro. They were so pleased and said that some kids didn't give Valentines because their parents couldn't afford to buy the packages. Yes, I know there is the homemade option, but I guess that doesn't fly these days. Even if just the leftovers were redistributed in some orderly fashion, people could have things that they don't have now.

How can the moon be 100% full two nights in a row?

It's as far north as it's going to go this year. After next week, the big switcheroo with the sun starts.

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost

Sugar and I went swimming at the spiffy remodeled rec center down the street. The water wasn't too cold to enjoy! The warm water kiddie area has a tube slide but there are too many twists and turns for me. One corner forces an involuntary laugh out of the slider and you have to know to hold your nose at the end or else you'll get the water up it.

A new friend, Ginny, took me to Curves to try it out. It was ok. There is no aesthetic to it - just a big room with a bunch of equipment in it with canned music playing that includes prompts every 30 seconds to change to another piece of equipment. I worked out for free while Ginny got the free facial. That one is too far away for me so I dropped in to the north location. Not for me really but I need to do something after they weighed me and measured my body fat percentage. Luckily, I found a Chamber of Commerce discount for the lovely rec center that would equal the amount I would pay for the Curves membership.

The good news is that have directed my attention to being healthy and it's not even the new year yet.

Gettin my Christmas music fix from KOST in LA.

We just finished a meal at Storyville, a new resturant in Longmont that features creole food. Pretty good. I like the place - a long, narrow room with wooden floors and a long wooden bar, storefront windows, New Orleans jazz playing. I soon realized after I ordered that I had no idea how to eat soft shelled crabs. Maybe parts that shouldn't be eaten ended up in my belly, but it sure was good. The dirty rice was ok but the seasoned corn was great. The bourbon bread pudding was delicious but too much.
Pricey.
The waitress was great.
I may go back if I'm in Longmont for lunch sometime to try a muffuleta.
Turns out the owner's grandmother's first cousin was Louis Armstrong.

We discovered the joys of off leash time with the puppers. We took them out to the Rez on a windy afternoon last week and let them loose along the water's edge. What bliss! Hansel took off running faster and harder than I've ever seen him run leaving Roxie in the dust. Now I'm looking into dog parks. What Can I say? I would drive for a great afternoon with my dogs.

The newest loves of my life:

When we went to help out in Mississippi, we worked with these Volunteer Ministers. I became aware of the Scientology Disaster Team when the World Trade Towers fell - I heard that Scientologists were on the ground early on helping the responders. They did all sorts of backup administrative work, counseling, and cleanup. I knew groups would show up to the California fires and a good number helped with the Tsunami victims. They were called up to help with the hurricanes last year in Florida.

I didn't have any idea what to expect when we went to Baton Rouge to hook up with the VMs. I found out a group had shown up in NO with a doctor and they started administering tetnus shots for the rescue workers. Other groups were helping in clean up and manning shelters. As more VMs arrived from around the country, groups were sent to Gulfport and surrounding towns to help out. We were with the Ga. National Guard for one night (the crew had been there longer) where we gave them assists to give them some relief and help them sleep better. Touch assists can help with aches and pains, locationals can help a person come into the present, nerve assists can help free up blocked energy in a body - they can be learned online at assists. The next day, we went with the group to Pass Christian to see what help we could offer and were able to give some assists to the medical volunteers there.
Some people were off cutting tree trunks out of houses or cleaning out refrigerators for people. There was a need for help that is unprecedented in the US.

There is so much work to be done still. One saying kept coming to mind: "Don't let the best be the enemy of the good." by Voltaire. So many complaints from the media about the slow pace of the recovery but the logistics are mind boggling. Imagine any major project you might do in your home and the level of confront and action it takes to make it happen. Subtract funds to do the project, add the shock of loss of your home and belongings and income, add as well, sweltering heat and humidity, take away air conditioning and electricity for the most part and comforts you're used to. Multiply by 500,000 people? There you have the current situation.

It changes your perspective.

We were walking the pups along a little tree lined lane when a baby squirrel jumped out in front of us as if to say,"Hey guys! Can I come with you?" We all froze - Roxie and Hansel deciding how to split up the feast, Sugar and I cinching up their leashes. We pulled them away before they could get a bite but the little baby squirrel seemed disappointed that we were leaving. I looked back half a block away and saw him standing there watching us.

I don't know about these dogs. Anything they can see, they go after. One dark night, we walked right by a fresh dead squirrel that they missed. Later, they didn't spot a cat sitting next to the street. Night vision must not be a Scottie trait.

It's been hard getting back into the swing of things since we came back from LA/MS. Everything here is so calm and orderly, even the weather cooled down. I saw some footage of Pass Christian before Katrina on HurricaneCity.com. There was a harbor filled with pleasure boats -- there was life there. When we went to the beach, everything was quiet and still and damaged. Truly, these people are going to need our help and attention for a long time to come.

In Pass Christian. MS, where the eye of the hurricane hit, we were picking up all sorts of personal debris from a yard across from a makeshift Point of Distribution. An index card with a handwritten recipe said, "It will mix and harden on the outside but be soft in the middle." All I could think of was all the people who are going through this ordeal. I imagine they will harden on the outside but be so soft in the middle for a long time to come.

Some impressions:

soft foggy morning
breakfast with the GA National Guard and other volunteers
plans to move to the Marine base today
going to Pass Christian today to distribute supplies
sorting medical supplies
getting ice and water
I think I'm going to get me one of them Assists.
My fingers don't hurt anymore and I have arthritis.
VMs sleeping in the computer rooms, one for men, one for women
VM Cavalcade trucks around town delivering supplies
The gratitude of the people we are helping.

Typing from the Harrison High School in Gulfport, MS. We arrived yesterday and spent the time at the Baton Rouge Mission. Drove over today and sorted medical supplies and found ice and water.
The devastation is powerful.

How interesting. I found this tool that tracks visitors to a website using Google Maps. My first trackee was out of San Diego. The map is a little harder to manipulate than regular Google Maps but it looks like you can get it down to a neighborhood. Now how would Google know where someone is viewing a webpage from? But I checked - they just arbitrarily position the pin on a street in the town.
Hmm. Interesting and entertaining.

I noticed that the crepuscule arrived by 7:45 or so tonight. Doesn't the process of day lengthening and shortening seem to lurch at times? Suddenly it's dark so early.

It looks like we'll be leaving for Baton Rouge in a couple of days to help with the relief effort. Some items I've been gathering might help out - like a solar powered/hand crank radio and a solar shower. I'm really drawn toward helping the helpers somehow and really wondering what it's going to be like.

Today I looked up from my screen to see a hawk that looked like this sitting on my fence. The little solar fountain we set up has been drawing lots of little birds, sometimes 20 at at time, but this is the first raptor I've seen in my yard.

It has taken all these years for me to appreciate Stevie Ray Vaughn. Just by chance, I found a tape of his Montreaux performance on cable last night and couldn't walk away. What I heard before was noise, but what I heard last night was wicked and wonderous.

Today on The Mountain, and for the next few days, they are having a Tom Petty extravaganza in preparation for his performances next week.

Mm-mmh!

This morning we walked east on Upland with the world all to ourselves. As Roxie was taking a sniff, Sugar jabbed at me and directed my attention toward the sunrise. 3 young bucks were crossing the over down the street. Then a 4th came through the trees. Unusual, since we normally see only 1 buck with does or with a family.

Roxie and Hansel have been showing us the world that is our neighborhood. Mornings are best but evening walks with spectacular sunsets over the Front Range aren't bad either.

I can hear the crickets outside now. It's a cloudy late summer morning along the Front Range. Recently we found a great little solar water fountain at Plow and Hearth and it's changed the feel of the front yard. We just filled a galvanized tub with water and plunked it in - when the sun came out the next day, it started up. If it drifts into the shade of the fence post, the spray stops. Then starts right back up when it drifts back. I think about 1/2 inch evaporates every day.

This has been a year for garden projects. We cleaned out and mulched the front walk (well, we're half way done), finished the front fence, put the fountain in. Sweetie put in some pavers on the west side of the house that look nice and we put in a little fountain that I got for half price at King Soopers. We found a way to install a garden umbrella so we have a some shade on the front terraced area. Planted a grape for Sweetie and a Mountain Mahogany. I think I have a Rue bush out back - there was no label. If it is, it'll come in handy to ward off curses on the home. Oh, and hollyhocks - planted 3 of them after visiting the Hollyhock House in Hollywood. We expanded and neatened up the compost pile in the front yard.

I found a great garden center in Lafayette that has some amazing plants on sale. Last year I got a garden mirror there that I love. Had it up by the front door, but the high winds knocked it down so I brought it inside.

The other great pleasure of the summer has been long walks with the pups and swimming.

All in all, a great summer - lots of production.

High Summer, I'd say. What an interesting time of year. This morning on our walk we passed a beautiful open sea of tall grass topped by the bluest sky around. We have red roses in the yard and orange day lilies and yellow yarrow and blue chicory and lavendar lavendar and little yellow potentilla and pink and white honeysuckle. I brought some pink hollyhock seed home from the Hollyhock House and hope they will sprout for next year.

Today driving to work, I saw a little fox turn out onto the sideway coming my way. Then he turned west and walked up the side of a 6 foot high fence.

Can Foxes do that? I guess so.
A gathering of eagles first, now a fox walking up the side of a fence.

Today, driving to work, I looked up and saw a huge eagle or hawk or falcon - one of those types of birds - flying overhead. Then there was another and another till the whole flock appeared. Unusual for birds who seem to be loners. They flew over to the CU campus and circled an area for several minutes before I lost sight of them.

I called Sugar to let him know and he thought it was an invitation from them for me to join them. I think I will.

June has been LA.

Train trip out.
Victor.
Serenity House.
Fire Breathing Ty.
Penny.
Leo and Jessica.
Kris.
Pro Metering Course.
Those blue kafir lilies.
Cambria with Pete. (25 years together)
Intention.
Words.
Decisions.
Being.
Cell phones.
Walking.
Flower Show at Barnsdall Park.
The common room stories. (Gary Rebecca Tony Jeff Felix Patty Peggy Kathleen)
Flat mates (Victoria and Steve and Alyssa)
Honey's arrival.
Hollyhock House.
Los Feliz.
Jon's.
Tara's magical cradle.
Present time.
Looking.
Uptone.
Full moon at Vermont and Hollywood.
The Metro and bus to Santa Monica Pier.
Sick Honey.
Hail storm on the way home.
The Fountainhead.
Future Plans.

The boundaries of my space changed so much that when I went back to work, everything looked smaller.

Cambria

For a good half hour this morning I didn't have a clue where the rest of my family was. That is to say, I had an idea but not exactly. Sweetie and Sugar are in Scotland on a father/son adventure. Honey spent the night at an after-prom party then went to someone's house and who knows what. I woke up completely alone for the first time in years, unable to get in touch with any of them.

It wasn't so bad.

I love 'em all, you know that - but personal space is delicious, too.

What Roxie enjoys most now is watching Hansel. Watching him chew, watching him eat, watching him run, watching him breathe. What I enjoy most is watching her watching him. We all get lost, Hansel in his freedom from the puppy mill, Roxie in her fascination for him, and me in my deep admiration for the two of them.

It's Spring now, finally, and the grass is high, thanks to a broken lawn mower. They like to go out at dawn but it's too early for barking. Dusk suffices as a substitute, full of green and scents and birds singing. Not many people are walking by that they need to bark at so it's a calm, peaceful end to the day.

Roxie started sleeping in our room in a crate next to the bed then established a routine of sleeping on the floor until 6am and spending the last hour or so with us in bed.

Yesterday, Hansel was invited to sleep in our room for the first time after several nights downstairs with Sugar. He and Roxie played on the bed until he growled at her when she approached me. No, no way, Hansel. We love you but here, in this bedroom, she is the Princess. She has earned her right to cuddle with me. You can be the focus of her attention and alpha elsewhere if you want, but The Rox rules in the bedroom.

We left them alone downstairs together for an hour today while we went out. We have to establish some kind of normalcy since Sweetie and Sugar are going to Norway this week (Hummingbird at the feeder outside with a foot of snow on the ground) and my life must go on anyway. We found out what kind of commotion 2 dogs left in the front hall can create when we left them before. (That hummingbird isn't hovering, just perching there sucking the sugar water down. I hope he's warm enough.)

I am sick of cold and snow. Enough already. My yard has never been muddier.

We're a 2 dog family now. I saw Hansel on Petfinder.com on the 19th and left on the 23rd to drive to MO to pick him up. Man, life is different now. This little guy is a Wheaton colored Scottie who is new to family life. Lots of dynamics have changed.

It's been 25 years since I've lived alone. Mmmm... maybe you could say a little longer since before that I lived in a group setting at a school in Oregon. And before that, I lived with Susan in LA, and before that Marty and Kate in Denver, that artist girl in Chicago, but wait - I did live alone in NYC. Yes, I did - no wait - I lived with Robin for a while at the end and Suzie for a while in the beginning- but I did live alone for a few months in between. Before that I lived with a houseful of people in Tallahassee and had Margy for a roommate in Italy and Ricklie in Tallahassee - yes! I did live alone for several months in Tallahassee, but it was right next door to Mo and Teresa and Maria. And before Tallahassee, dorm mates in North Carolina and in Massachusetts. And before that, was growing up at home with 5 others.

I was all set to write about how I haven't lived alone for 25 years and throw in something about Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own but I can't rightly do that now, can I, since I've hardly lived alone and haven't seemed to mind it.

I do always get a room of my own when I want one.

What does it say about me that I like containers? My day was made by the acquisition of a big ole 38# Sticky Bun Smear bucket. It was just sitting there waiting to be taken home and I grabbed it. Yes, there was plenty of Sticky Bun Smear left inside that needed to be washed out but the smell of it was so overpowering in the car that I wasn't tempted to clean it out with my tongue. It's all cleaned out, empty and drying next to the kitchen sink and I'm just waiting for the reason to have it in my house to make itself known.

A few nights ago I noticed an antidepressant TV ad that mentioned the possibility of suicidal thoughts in teens. Yahoo News noted that the fella who shot the kids in Minnesota was on Prozac just days after it happened. The line between cause and effect is getting shorter and more pronounced, thank God.

A few years ago a friend offered me a piece of comfrey root for my yard. She warned me that it is invasive and would take over what ever area I planted it in. I thanked her and planted it in among other plants in my front walk bed. Every year since then has been a battle against spreading comfrey. Not only does it take up space, it's a water hog. The roots are tuberous so denying water only triggers dormancy until more appears. I have been digging and digging and digging and will continue to dig.

Something similar happened with Honey. When he was homeschooling his earlier years, he was free to manufacture his own universe. We do have family rules and expections in terms of basic education, but for the most part he was able to determine his own life. Then he went to Government High School. A year and a half was long enough for him to be strangled by Other People's Expectations. After he came out of GHS, he was working on an essay for a class. Hours later I checked with him and he was stumped; "I'm still working on the outline." Screw the outline, I said. Just start writing your thoughts. I found out today that he is doing Algebra II even though he loathes the subject. He's doing it because everyone else he knew was doing it and he felt that he needed it to be successful in life. Groan. What happened to all my lessons to him about finding what you enjoy doing and building on that? Wiped out by 1.5 years of Government High School peer pressure and bureaucratic expectations. I've been snipping these off when I run into them but I have a feeling I will be digging and digging at these insidious middle class tentacles for some time to come.

We had a few weeks of true Spring with temps in the 60s and 70s - so much Spring that the apricots started blooming and pollen was in the air. What's on the ground now? 8 inches of snow. It's undeniably Spring, though - you can't belie things like the moon being much further north, the sunshine in the back yard which is in shadow in the winter, birds singing and chattering like crazy and big buds on the lilac bushes. In this place, Spring sets out and moves along, then is halted by a couple of big snow storms. Once the snow melts though, there is no holding Her back.

I had a nice long walk with Roxie today up to the lake via the open space trail and the dog park. Her little legs did a good job of leading me most of the way.
You wouldn't know that there was a fire there a few years ago except for a few burned trees. The whole ecosystem is back in place, probably better off that it was before. There must have been 20 meadowlarks singing in the grasses. The lake is full and has been all winter and that is cause for joy after going through those awful drought years.

Sugar and Sweetie are working on finishing the fence. After years of begging for one, I finally got it this year.

Sweetie didn't go. Lots of change occurred in this family but Sweetie didn't go.

Grief is part of living but I so rarely have to deal with it, that I'm thoroughly thrown off when it hits me. I don't mean little loss-ey aches or ephemeral sadnesses. I mean real, gut wrenching grief. I can say there are 2 times that Real Grief has staggered me. Once I lost a family member. The other time, a family member threatened to leave me abruptly.

Grief seems to be tied up with bodies, at least for me. It has to do with my body feeling like it will never experience that other body again. I'm not sure about this, still sorting it out.

CBFTW at My War is back and writing a book. An excerpt is in Esquire this month.

Oh, Sweetie is leaving town. I saw it coming for years but never heard the words out of his mouth all that time. Whenever the subject came up, the words said that he would not go. The right opportunity appeared this week and now he is off to La La Land to see if that is where he wants to be for years to come.

It wouldn't be so hard if he wasn't one of my 3 best friends in the whole world, but unfortunately, he is. I have to love him as a mom as well as a friend and now I'm losing a son and a best friend. Poo.

Maybe I should just fill the house with little Scotties.

If only I could figure out how to change the layout of this blog and keep the links and stuff I've added. I'm sure it's something I can figure out but, lacking the time and attention, it looks hard for now.

Roxie is munching on a chicken back, Sweetie is off studying to keep up his Dean's List status, Honey is swimming and having fun, Sugar is off to LA again for a training sprint, trying to complete a course before March 13.

Living is still therapy, but I've been so focused on a little puppy and greeting cards for the last 2 major seasons that I've forgotten to come here and make notes. Maybe now?

One son, Sweetie, plunges into subjects and learns them by total immersion. For instance, he wanted to learn piano so he taught himself the "Moonlight Sonata", only occasionally asking his dad or me for direction on the notes. Then his next was Grieg's "Piano Concerto in A Minor" which is loud and complicated and all over the key board. I look at a piece and if it has too many sharps and flats, I move on to something else. Not him. He sits and the piano and pounds it out, over and over and over and over until he owns it.
He did this with Tolkien, Star Wars, Hockey. He focuses his attention on an area, sucks the very essence out of the subject, then decides he's finished and moves on. I wonder if there is enough music in the world to keep this interest going for some time.
This is the son who is studying Greek for fun.

Part of my daily ritual now includes reading messages on the RawFeeding Yahoo list. It's an unexpected fascination - an hour can go by tracking down new raw feeding options like rabbit chunks (as opposed to whole rabbit or ground rabbit). I haven't ventured into feeding bunny to Roxie, but it's on my list.